A Primer of D&D’s Playable Races, Such as They Are: Monsters and Rejects of the Multiverse

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Make way, make way, coming through! After a short hiatus, I am returned to you, my crazed fans, to once more enlighten you as to the truth behind D&D’s myriad playable races. The following words will not be easy to read, they will not be just–they might not even be true!–but they are…necessary. With your aid, Reader, I shall expose these reject races for the graceless, vicious beings they are! And I shall do so through *audience gasp* humour!

These are all the races that You are too cool to play–so you give them to me, the DM, to do with as I please. It goes horribly for everyone involved, that much is certain.

Also, it’s been so long since I’ve written one of these, I don’t remember any of the races or books I’ve covered, so–lawks!

Aarakocra

Lookit the size of this birb! Think about it…There’s loads to eat there, innit? You could coast the winter, just about! And what about them fluffies? Pluck ’em, clean ’em up, stuff ’em in a pillow–or better yet a blanket, and you’re set.

And mmm, that chicken leg soup–that’s what I calls a feast, dearie!

Genasi

Ha, you thought I was serious about how all these races are not cool enough to pick, didn’t you? Surprise, surprise–I lied! Look at these badass elemental blokes! They aren’t joking around, that’s sure enough.

Bugbear

So cute, they’ve bugged the game! Bugbear?! More like Hugbear, amirite?!

With a face like that, might as well call ’em PUGBEAR!!!

I’m done now, have a meme I found off Google Images:

Changeling

You know what would be well and truly brilliant? Having a party made up of changelings intent on causing no end of mischief to their poor, tortured DM. The way I imagine it is having Mystique from the X-Men wrecking the socio-political clime of an empire, times five:

Deep Gnomes

These gnomes, like, really get me, y’know?

…Even if they have an awkward fixation on my relationship with my mother.

Duergar

Dwarves, but extra metal! The Duergar spent a lot of time being oppressed–first, by dark magics deep in the Underdark; then, by creepy crawly mind flayer-y neighbours who snacked on their brains and absolutely did not respect their privacy.

Eladrin

Do you like elves? How about elves who elf really hard? Then, m’lad, you might well like the Eladrin, the Feywild’s elfiest elfs! It seems like every traditional fantasy world has a race of elves so elfy that they’re different even from the crack cocaine highest elves! I’m not sure I can joke with the eladrin too much: they have Fey Step which is a free Misty Step you can use a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus, and that’s wickedly useful, especially if you’re a glass cannon.

They’re also real pretty:

Fairy

A little-known fact, but the D&D 5e rendition of the fairy race is directly inspired by HBO’s True Blood, and by this scene in particular:

No lie!

Githyanki

I’ve been playing Baldur’s Gate 3 in Early Access a lot, and I can’t live without Lae’Zel, the rudest companion you’ll ever have the privilege of killing goblins next to. I’m biased, is what I’m saying – the Githyanki live in the Astral Plane and don’t ever die within it; they can pluck bits of knowledge from that same plane; and they can bond with the Duergar over a shared hatred for mind flayers. What more do you need?

Githzerai

Right! There are more races to examine with my professional narrative designer’s scrutiny, but we’ll leave those for next time! Don’t forget to follow the ol’ blog and social medias!

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