Lil’ Guardsman presents a veritable treasure trove of memorable characters, but today, we at the Filip Magnus channel are going to talk about and celebrate the six best characters across all this lil indie game! Spoilers for Lil’ Guardsman follow, so if you haven’t played it – turn away!
Why top six?! Because…shut up.
There are many criteria by which to pick excellent characters: you can judge them by their character art, by how well they are written or voiced–but we’re going to dismiss all of that and judge these characters by how good they are at murdering a twelve-year-old girl!
So here are the six best characters whose day you can make better by letting them pass, or ruin their day through the exertion of your petty bureaucratic authority!
Number Six: A Military Cook From a Catering Corp
There’s something off about Catering Corp from the get-go, but it’s not what you’d think. It’s not just that they’re a spoof of the U.S. military. It’s that they make people into nutrient bars.
Ew.
This cook-slash-representative from Catering Corp gets the lowest spot on the list because he doesn’t actually get to kill a twelve-year-old girl, but his catering business does feed people to people. If a tiny wee girl were to fall into a cauldron of Soylent Beige Nutrient Bars, would anyone at corporate HQ mind that the latest batch has a distinct taste of Lil?
I don’t think so!
Number Five: Not-Belle from Not-Beauty-and-the Beast!
If her song fools you, friend, then you really aren’t paying attention, because this girl is an absolute psycho. It’s okay, though – we all get to miss the small clues because of a pretty voice sometimes. After all, it’s not like this crazy bee’s clothes are spattered with blood, is it? Oh, it is? Huh.
And what’s that? She doesn’t like it when people are talking about her? Well, I’m sure–oh, there it is. Death comes calling.
Boy, they really don’t make Disney princesses like they used to, do they? The joie de vivre with which this psychotic pyromaniac strolls up to your gate–and throws a molotov cocktail at a little girl if you piss her off enough–is more than enough to make it onto this list!
Number Four: How to Train Your Dragon-rider
It’s not every day that one small girl doing a job she’s not supposed to meets another small girl doing a job she’s not supposed to. If that happens to you and you’re the small girl in the guardhouse questioning the small girl standing on a dragon, be sure not to make light of the dragon. Who could’ve imagined that mocking a scaly beast of legend would end up with your incineration?
The answer: Everyone could. Legitimately every single person you’ve ever met above the age of twelve. Incidents like these are why you don’t get a sarcastic tween to do all your gatekeeping.
But really, why would you, a dragon, name yourself Peaches if you can’t take a joke?
Number Three: A Really Very Angry Barbarian Lady
Some people learn not to try and relieve big barbarian muscle mommies of their twin swords. Not Lil. No, she’s as studious as they come, a responsible worker; so responsible, in fact as to be suicidal.
Despite a spelling out of what would happen to her, too! Boy, that’ll teach our gal Lil to respect foreign customs. You know, if she wasn’t dead already.
Number Two: This stinky elven neck-romancer
It’s a real shame that you can’t kick this doofus out of the Sprawl on a permanent basis. The shade he throws at you every time he shows up, it’s just–just–ugh, I hate him so much! Don’t tell me to calm down, look at him! Attitude like his should immediately disqualify you from wielding power over the living and the dead, and from c-suit corporate positions.
Number One: The Literal Devil
He appears by dint of fate, and a screwy time machine. He is as surprised to see you as you’re surprised to see him. He’s angry, and he’s horned, and he chants in Latin. Who else could it be but the actual, literal Devil? The supreme prince of hell, the grump of a fallen angel, the snakey-bakey underking himself! You know he’s the best character in the entire game because he can kill you not once but twice over, and that, my friends, is fact.
Game knows game, y’know? When you’ve got the devil taking an interest in your business, you have to at least appreciate th
Honourable mentions: The Spooky Angry Politician Tree Monster and the Witch
I don’t believe this tree actually comes with a Game Over screen but it’s a political plant, and I believe that’s a development we should all welcome. What spells out a good environmentally friendly politician better than an actual tree (monster)?
As for the Witch? She can definitely game over you, but she’s a witch, you’re a kid, she offers you good-looking apples. Point is, you really should know better.
The Grimoire Reliquary 
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