Fantasy Yelp Reviews: Legends and Lattes

“Legends and Lattes: Best Latte I’ve Ever Had”
The Multidimensional Dark Lord (Responds also to “Unintentionally Helpful Villain”)
Thune
Fantasy Yelp Member Since ██████
Review: Legends and Lattes
Review Posted On: The Seventeenth Blood Moon On The Pious Man’s Head
10/5 stars

After hearing about the proprietor of this novel establishment, the orc Viv, I expected a good time. I got it–but not in the way I thought I would. I was signing up for the usual thoroughfare for a travelling dark lord — a bit of clever back and forth, veiled threats, the kidnapping of a loved one, and a final duel to the death with this Viv. What I did not expect was to discover this adventurer retired and running a “coffeehouse”*1 .

The name of the establishment was, naturally, a source of confusion. Legends, I’m familiar with. Lattes, less so. My first inkling was, a latte was a novel way of skewering one’s enemies–it would have fit with the reputation of the proprietor of this fine establishment, no question.

It is, in fact, a homely place, and rather clean–I know, I thought it dreary, too. Where’s the personable mud, the bloodstains that tell you of lived experience? Where are the screams of agony, the fisticuffs between drunk patrons ready and willing to chop heads off? For that matter, where is the alcohol?

Instead of all these things, I was greeted by warm pastries and warmer beverages; the aroma of both forced drool from my many-toothed jaw. The waiting time was, alas, a nightmare; I barely made it to a dozen helpings myself, before Viv asked me to leave some for the “rest of the clientelle”. Pah, as if they have the five-dimensional palate to truly appreciate this.

Following this thoroughly disheartening*2 conversation I was well and truly ready to give this one out of five stars; yet the addictive nature of this “latteine,” the main ingredient of a latte, was too strong to overcome; I made my return the following morning. When I discovered only smoking rubble of Viv’s business, I knew–I had simply left before the real excitement began. Any establishment that can start the evening off as a building and end it as a burned-out husk earns the Dark Lord’s Certified Thumbs Up*3; “Legends and Lattes” is no different.

But gods, do I need another hit.

*1 I am still not entirely convinced this isn’t some ploy–if I keel over and die, poisoned, you know how to avenge me.

*2 Any speculation to the existence of a heart in the author’s chest or otherwise bodily orifice is only this-speculation. Attempts at piercing, stabbing, or otherwise staking the heart of the author are greatly discouraged and will be litigated against. With a fireball to the face.

*3 Disclaimer: Not, in fact, made up of the Dark Lord’s own thumbs.

Any likeness to real humans or events is entirely on purpose.

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While reading a short story masquerading as a Yelp review, I realised no one had probably done a humorous fantasy spoof of Yelp Reviews. No one, at least, in my immediate blogosphere circle–and these are creative folks. Now, whether this is actually humorous or not is a question of taste; it’s possible I’m entirely unfunny. If you’d like to take a crack at it yourself, please do!
Note: I don’t use Yelp and I don’t care about it in the least, so whether this has anything to do with how a Yelp review is or not…fucked if I know.