A Primer of D&D 5E’s Playable Races, Such as They Are: Pseudo-Greeks Gone Wild (Mythic Odysseys of Theros)

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Another Monday, another batch of D&D 5e races to make fun of! The time has come to mock a setting near and dear to my heart, even if it is native to Magic: The Gathering. *Groan*

Centaur

You want to be that guy? The party member whose every attempt to enter a building is followed up by four checks, one for each leg? The gal whose every movement has to be followed up by two ACTUAL PLAYERS banging cocoa shells against one another in a vain attempt to capture the centaur’s glory. And what of those few centaurs mad enough to demand a mount of their own?!

Leonin

Do you like your goliaths looking like lions? Leonin are tribal, really into honour and glory, prone to attack civilization–I rest my case! But hey, if that’s not enough, consider how they’re supposed to look, as opposed to how they’ll look in your head by the time you’ve finished reading this setting.

This is the signature Leonin illustration from the campaign setting book:

But I swear to every deity in the multiverse, to me, Leonin will forever look like this:

Skottie Young, illustrator of Marvel’s Oz adaptation, has broken my brain, and I am forever grateful to him for that.

Minotaur

The most Ancient Greek of Ancient Greek-alikes, the Minotaur are wickedly cool blokes. Caution advised: Don’t pull on their nipple rings. They go “MooooOOOoOoooOOOOO” and proceed to stab you with their horns.

Satyr

The satyrs are to the other races what bards are to the other classes – the heart of the party (it’s an exceptionally horny heart). As to those few players insane enough to play a satyr bard – I salute you, friends – you’re forever my heroes. The end result looks a little like this here random meme I found off the Internet:

Triton

More fish races?! Again?!

*runs through the script* Joke about Aquaman–no, that’s trite…Namor joke…? Too sexual. Poseidon wannabes, riffing off the Roman name for the god, too fond of tride–too obvious.

Y’know wot? I got nuthin’!

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