1. The first whiff I got at an evil overlord’s army coming my village’s way, I would pack and hit the road, four girls and one boy in tow.
2. I would always keep my farmer equipment in top operating shape, just in case an orc attacks me and all I have is my scythe nearby.
3. I would conscientiously do my job without complaining, and make sure that my son/daughter is well-prepared to save the world when the time to leave home in search for better things is at hand.
4. I would drink in only reasonable amounts, and do my hardest to save some coin for a rainy day or a painfully long winter.
5. In the case that I do not have enough coin to survive winter, I would be sure to only work for legitimate employers, who are not interested in resurrecting ancient deities thanks to my manual labor.
6. I would try keep as many of my countless spawn on the farm for as long as possible, while respecting their desires.
7. I would take care of the village inn as best as a limping veteran can, with the help of a kind-hearted but foul-mouthed overweigh cook and three mildly attractive barmaids—in addition to the four children and the wife. It is possible that the cook is also the wife, though. You never know.
8. I would make sure to keep an air of mystery around my youth. What happened during the years when I ran from the village and got my leg hobbled is none of my fellow villagers’ business; plus, peasants like to talk, so I might as well give them something to talk about.
9. I would only clash with members of the Women’s Council, Circle, or Assembly when absolutely necessary. My wife will pull my hair out if I, a silly man, try to have a say in their business.
10. I would go hunting on a regular basis, using my bow and uncanny villager tracking abilities. It is well known that almost no one can track as well as a villager on the hunt for a meal, or use a bow to take those tasty morsels on four feet down!
My bi-weekly Top Ten lists were originally inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List; my first entry is centered around the Evil Fantasy Overlord in order to honor that list and its maker! The next installment, “Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were NOT a middle-aged Villager in a High Fantasy Setting,” will be out on Friday!
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