Month: June 2017

Top Ten Things I would do if I were reborn as a demonic slave

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  1. New body, new set of rules! Let’s start off with movement. Nope, moving on four legs isn’t as easy as it looks. Why am I going to that hole? Wha—No, stop it! LEGS! LEEEEE—
  2. New management. I was a freelance lich in my last incarnation, but this time around…demon lords are all the buzz! I’m not saying this metaphorically; the large, tentacle creature with huge breasts and flames for eyes is buzzing at me.
  3. Licking boots. Sure. Why put my knowledge of this realm when you could use my new acid-coated tongue to clean your boots, demon lord?
  4. Why do demon lords even have boots? I understand faeries, and walking—but what is it about demonic boots?
  5. Do they really need all these spikes? Those are really hard on the acidic tongue, mind you.
  6. I’m getting boggled in boot-licking minutiae? Really? Oh, very well! I would also corrupt the souls of the forsaken, the desiccated, and those who have no brains on their skulls in order to know well enough not to stay in the middle of a demonic invasion!
  7. I would begin plotting. Demons plot, and I would hate to be unfaithful to my newly-discovered nature. What else do demons do, though? Let’s have a gander at my demonic lord and master; he…
  • Sleeps a lot;
  • Enjoys clean boots;
  • Consumes the souls of humans;
  • Plans invasions past the initial point of contact –my bad, everyone— but never acts on them;
  • Reads his poems aloud and pesters me and the succubi for positive reinforcement.
  1. I will plan on taking my demonic lord’s place. While I no longer am a wizard, or a lich…the knowledge remains. First, I will…abuse his poetic skills! No demon would expect such assault.
  2. Once the abuse continues, it is time to gaslight him. Aye, you heard that right. I will light the pungent gas that surrounds him afire!
  3. I shall consume his tender, burned flesh, and take my rightful place as demonic lord!

The protagonist of this list may or may not have choked on demonic boot by mistake, and proceeded to die several more times before reaching his goal. At this time, one simply could not say.

Sunday Fantasy Flirting, Vol. 02

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Sundays are for…*looks around*…finishing yet another volume of Sandman, and for doing laundry, and even for spending time with your loved ones.

*Puts desiccated family heads back in cabinet*

Anyway, Sundays are also for awful flirting lines. Trust me, I know. Here are five fantasy ones!

  1. My Flaming Sword burns ever-brighter near your biter.
  2. Is this merely illusion, or am I discarding my clothes? Run your hand on this here mine hairy chest, and find out!
  3. You seem in need of exorcism, milady…lie down, and I shall sweat thy haunting demon out of thee!
  4. Hood’s balls? The god of death doesn’t have any, but I certainly do…
  5. You needn’t worship the gods…allow me to worship you, instead!

…I wouldn’t use them, if I were you — unless you’re particularly despondent and you’ve found a particularly attractive cave troll lady.

Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were a lich

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  1. Regret my past life as a miserly old wizard. Screw that guy, he dead!
  2. No time will be spent in moral considerations, akin to (but not excluded to): “Is necromancy evil? Is angering the gods of death wise, in any world, including this one? How can my apprentices possibly be this useless, even as reanimated corpses?”
  3. I would not dig deep holes. There’s plenty of things necromantic and ice magic can accomplish. Exhuming bodies is easy. Digging holes to bury bodies – not so!
  4. No cutting of the necropolis costs! Ice sculptors are a pain in the boney arse, but if I have to levitate above their heads to make sure that they’re doing their job all well and proper, I will! No second-hand ice will do.
  5. Responding to old acquaintances, fellow advisors and friends from my old life…while it may sound good on paper, something tells me that those guys will tend to be conservative; all for the traditional monarchy, for leaving things as they are. Well, not me! I am a progressive lich! I vote for change. End to life, and death eternal!
  6. That should probably not be the platform I go with, after conversing with several of the recently deceased.
  7. I would not lose that most annoying of wizardly traits, even in death – inexplicable idiotism!
  8. The eldritch smell of death would not stop me from exploring the fissure in space and time – so what if it looks like a festering wound in the sky above my floating ice fortress? I don’t discriminate!
  9. I would not feel pain. The demonic forces that will shatter my icy carcass would be just that quick to act.
  10. No regrets at making a pact with an Arch-demon. None. What. So. Ever.

 

Thus ends the latest adventure of the wizened old wizard-turned-lich. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Click here and here for wizardly context, and here for the last entry in this particular series.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Vol. 3 — Education

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Diary Entry #0099

My capital is under siege. Seven Dark Lords and their armies are upon me and mine, and much malice is in their hearts. Even more malice is in their sharpened blades, but that seems secondary to me. The blades are almost as tiny as the corpses of my soldiers that they’re stuck in.

A great melancholy does come upon me when I think of the malice in these hearts.

Such waste, to see so much malice go in my direction, when there’s heroes to kill, winter spirits to maim…

Diary Entry #0100

I write this as I do battle. It has proven a most extraordinary experience.  Thoroughly rewarding.

I have slain many a dozen of wretched monstrosities. Ogres. Ettin. Several creatures that were neither ogre, nor ettin, and yet were more impressive than both.

Despite mine thirsty blade and dreadfully sordid expression and actions, mine hordes of supreme evil seem prone to fall.

Ah! Here comes the Demibourbon, my ever-envious adversary in the Council of Darkness!  He challenges me. It shall be a fine battle, indeed!

…

I now write these dots with the blood of mine fallen enemy, and tears stream down mine eyes. His was a fate far too dishonourable for one such as he.

A childe, of age 12 – from the plantations far down South in mine lands – did shoot him with an arrow in his eyes. Aye, eyes. How they went through his ensorcelled helmet, I do not know; I know only that mine glorious combat has been denied to me.

Alas, poor Fallen Gods! I need must find a worthy adversary.

Who gives these children arrows?

I shall hang him! And burn him! And stick him on a spike!

An arrow just stuck itself into mine Royal Adviser. Perhaps it IS time to retreat, as he and his colleagues keep screeching at me.

Diary Entry #101

The first walls of the city have fallen. Mine dark obsidian doth break too easily.

I have ordered that children are to be discouraged from using weapons, and be put into libraries instead, and learnt to read and write. That way, none shall take my adversaries out.

Writing Advice: Consistency

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Laziness is the enemy of every aspiring writer.

Take me, for example: I almost didn’t write today’s entry; I’m too busy, I’ve done so much today, I’m so exhausted, it’s four in the bloody morning.

Excuses, excuses. Don’t listen to those.

Pick up the pen. Press the keys on your keyboard.

Write.

Consistency is much more important than inspiration; not a popular opinion, but a true one nonetheless. Inspiration strikes, but it does so rarely – and as beautiful as those moments are, they are short, ephemeral.

No, give me consistency. Consistency I can count on.

With consistency, I learn something new every day.

But let us not forget that consistency has another meaning, as well. Just an important one–if not more so!

Consistency in writing makes–or breaks–your readers’ immersion, the barriers between your story, the meaning you put into it, and the reader’s perception and acceptance to it. Look at any book that changes tone every several chapters, and you will discover a mess that’s unpleasant to read and difficult to comprehend. If you can’t write consistently, edit to that effect; but under no circumstance should you leave your work inconsistent.

Be consistent in your writing habits, dear children, and be consistent in your writing, also!

Top Ten Things I would do if I were a lich!

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  1. I would get me a nice little ice cave, with loads of stalagmites, stalactites and the skulls of my long-dead apprentices and army comrades.
  2. I would begin raising my apprentices from the dead. They were an incompetent bunch in life—doesn’t mean that they have to remain useless in death.
  3. I would discover that death really hasn’t done much in the way of improving my pupils’ skills, communication or otherwise.
  4. I would bury several bags’ worth of bones. A speech for the fallen pupils would be in order.
  5. Time for a change! You know what a newly-created lich needs? A necropolis! In the sky! No more of that damp icy cave! Time to outsource some necromantic goodness to the world.
  6. I would begin with the kingdom I served in life. No place like home. Step One: Raise the dead. Step Two: Profit…If by profit you mean mayhem, slaughter and eternal ice covering the land.
  7. Now that I’ve got a proper ice lair – just look at that landscape, it’s got all the stalagmites! – I can look above and beyond!
  8. I would inadvertently look at something terrible, mystical and not-at-all friendly.
  9. Demons would invade from the terrible, mystical, not-at-all friendly place that will –oh no!—suddenly turn out to be a horrible-no-good portal. The ice will melt, and so will my icy exterior. And interior. Every –erior in a several hundred mile radius.
  10. I would find myself horribly, terribly dead. My soul at the mercy of demons. Oh, well. If you can’t beat them…join them.

Liches are a lot more punctual then wizards. Even when those liches used to be wizened old wizards in the first place.

What will happen next? What didn’t happen? Find out next Friday and Monday! Yey! *claps excitedly*

 

Sunday Flirt, Vol. 01 (Five Fantasy Pick-up Lines)

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Sundays are for gaming, long days at the beach, longer lunches with the family, and bloody torturous monologues! They’re also the perfect time for pick-up lines. Not any pick-up lines, but fantasy ones; and not good ones, either. No, those are bad pick-up lines. Horrible, horrid old things…

Enjoy five of them at a time, this Sunday and every Sunday, possibly until the end of time!

  1. “Is that a portal to hell you’re opening, or are you just happy to see me?”
  2. “That’s one hell of a basilisk you’re packing.”
  3. “Honey, you’re as pretty as the full moon, and that’s probably why I’m feeling my transformation coming on!”
  4. “Would you like to see my pillar of creation?”
  5. “The blood on your axe will never go away like that…you need a woman’s touch for that…”

Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were a wizened old wizard

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  1. I would NOT mean to harm anyone with my illusion spells…It would just sort of happen. No one’s to blame, really.
  2. I would NOT cross bridges if I had the choice. These things are dangerous – shoddy masonry, demonic infestations, not to mention the rotting wood…I just don’t trust any of it.
  3. I would NOT mind all my students going on quests every once in a while. It’s healthy for the body, the mind…and the state of my pantry. Fattening up apprentices is a thankless task, methinks.
  4. I would NOT go out of my way to stop any wizened old nobleman from cutting down the mad monarch I’m sworn to. The mad ones always insist I do the most work. The village cleansings will simply never end…!
  5. I would NOT make a good cadre wizard in the new monarch’s army. I’d be too used to burning villagers by far, to be able to serve side by side with them. And hey, who knows how many soldierly relatives I might’ve maimed or turned to ash by that point?
  6. I would NOT be good at avenging my students’ deaths, once tragedy inevitably strikes my magical tower/magical school/magical loo.
  7. I would NOT do any cardio. There’s magical laws against that.
  8. I would NOT recover from the lack of cardio, unless I embrace dark and forbidden lore, and transform into a lich. It’s recovery, of a sort…
  9. I would definitely NOT have a tenth entry to this list, being the wizard that I am, and knowing full-well that wizards are far too lazy for their own good.

Surely by now you didn’t expect that mysterious tenth entry?

My bi-weekly Top Ten lists were originally inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List. Don’t know what that is? Google it, and have a laugh!

 The next installment of “Top Ten Things I would do if I were…” will be out on Monday 06/05/2017!

If you missed the last one, click here!

Spotlight Thursday: Uprooted

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untitled.pngThere is something about the woods, some primordial fear that has been nagging away at all of us, at the entirety of humanity, long before we learned to create fires, long before we began making tools; a fear that’s been with us since our very inception, as evident in that most precious of folklore – fairy tales.

Uprooted blends fantasy and fairy tale seamlessly, in rich and imaginative ways. The young protagonist, Agniezska, is a completely charming protagonist, and above all else, she is completely, and absolutely real. The novel is written from her point of view, and it couldn’t be the better for it.

While I enjoyed the protagonist one other character stole the spotlight from Niezsa once or twice – The Dragon, Sarkan!  I’ve a penchant for characters who use a moniker, and being a powerful sorcerer doesn’t hurt. This one starts off a bit undignified and even cruel with the help, but there’s hope yet; and it is when the two main characters find synchronicity that Uprooted develops

There is so much to love in Uprooted, even if we disregard the main characters for a moment. Here’s a few bullet points:

  • Agniezska’s best friend Kasia, who goes through a shock when the Dragon doesn’t choose her for ten years worth’ of maid duty. In another book, Kasia would’ve been our point of view character. She is beautiful and smart, and entirely larger than life, and as soon as The Dragon’s choice is made, she is also a stranger in her own home.
  • Naomi Novik captures the essence of Slavic mythology well, and builds a world that is true in tone to Eastern European folklore.
  • The Woods are a terrifying force that slowly grows, overtaking all in its path. It’s seriously creepy.
  • There’s a fat wizard called the Hawk, or the Eagle, or the Fat Wizard. He’s fun.
  • If you’d like to read Naomi Novik, I suggest you don’t start with Uprooted. It’s just so much better than her first “Temeraire” book.
  • That last point isn’t a drawback—just keep it in mind.

The novel is, at times, far darker than you’d originally assume; that doesn’t stop it from being a delightfully amusing read. Uprooted is something of an emotional roller coaster, but I enjoyed every page of it.