Top Ten Things I would do if I were a wizened old wizard

  1. I would use my illusion magic to scare the crap out of innocent villagers, citizens and unsuspecting servants, cantankerous old man that I am.
  2. I would cross bridges when I get to them, not burn or destroy them outright; if I were to destroy any bridges, I’d be sure to do it well out of the reach of any demonic, fiery whips.
  3. I would use my trickery, sharpened to a fine edge after long years of practice of my arts, to get fellow colleagues into all sorts of trouble.
  4. I would find my way into the court of some nobleman, and prove my loyalty by giving an awful lot of good advice, but never being more helpful than I absolutely have to – we wizards are a lazy bunch, and going above and beyond is not something we’re prone to do. If you’re looking for self-sacrifice, expect to find it over the next couple of weeks, on my blog…
  5. I would become a soldier, hungry for some adventure in my twilight years! It would doubtlessly end badly, as the sheer amount of magical texts I’d need to practice my craft will require no less than a dozen mules, several experienced caretakers, and a librarian almost as ancient as I am.
  6. After my soldiering days miraculously come to an end, I will find my home destitute and cold, my servants slaughtered and my apprentices causing mayhem all throughout the region. I would thus begin a great and dangerous quest to wreak vengeance upon those responsible™.
  7. I would join those responsible™ for my great personal calamity, for they will prove to be too numerous for my old bones to handle. If you can’t beat ‘em…
  8. I would wake up one morning, and find my new band of thugs and scoundrels has left me behind. “Tuu much buuks,” I will find a note written next to my favorite sleeping log. A betrayal so foul that I would get a heart attack.
  9. I would, upon barely overcoming the failure of my ticker and realizing that death is near, become deathly afraid (heh-heh) and transcend the natural laws of my wizardly profession; in a sentence, I would fall mad, dig into forbidden lore and possibly end up a horribly unpleasant lich…or at least a necromancer!

Oh, did you expect a tenth entry? A wizard Never quite goes that extra mile, you know…

My bi-weekly Top Ten lists were originally inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List. The next installment, “Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were a wizened old wizard,” will be out on Friday!

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